After three crazy days in Cairo, and by crazy we mean INSANE, we are happy to be off to Aswan.
Cairo is insanity on wheels. There are horns constantly honking - constant and pedestrians crossing the street like "Frogger." Brett and I have truely experienced our first culture shock. This city is in shambles! The buildings are built out of brick and clay and cement and many do not have roofs. Smog checks don't exist here - that is for sure. However, amist the insanity described above, between the hagglers and the donkey carts alongside the road, lies a genuine nature, once you get past the haggling ofcourse.
Aside from the people, the pyramids were amazing! Breath taking and a sight to be had. We enjoyed our 2 hour camel ride in Giza. It was an amazing experience. My camels name was Alibaba and Brett's camel's name was Mickey - like Mickey Mouse. My camel was sassy and hated laying down for me to get off and occassionally grunted and spit and snorted. We also visited Dashur and climbed down about 100 steps into the bottom of the pyramid - once in there, we could barley breath and the limestone reaked of ammonia, I had a mini panic attack as I felt as though I could not breathe.
Yesterday we travelled by bus 6 hours southwest into the black sand and white sand desert and slept under the stars. We hired a guide and drove us through the desert sand dunes and set up our camp and cooked us lunch, dinner and breakfast. We watched the sunset against a salvador dali backdrop and woke just before sunrise and also made a friends with a fox named Jose that looked just like HURLEY!
Now after three crazy days, we're on to Aswan. We're staying on the Nile and will visit more temples and tombs. After Aswan we are taking a bus to Luxor and then onto Dahab to spend Christmas on the Red Sea.
PS: People think we are brother and sister and are from Spain or Canada.
December 21, 2010
December 16, 2010
Off to AFRICA! We'll be blogging from afar!
Today is finally here!
The anticipation leading up to today has been culminating since June of 2010, when Brett and I booked our R/T airfare to Cairo, Egypt! In some sense, we convinced ourselves that this flight was the "right" flight because it has a 9 hour layover in London. We are going to do some quick sightseeing in London and visit our friends who moved to London in 2007 immediately after they were married, Andrew and Katie. Andrew is Brett's "Buddy" (I put "Buddy in quotation marks because when Brett transfered from the NYC PwC office, Andrew was assigned to be his "buddy" in San Francisco) Needless to say, Brett and Andrew became close friends, and this will be our second time seeing A & K in London.
After our quick layover in London - it's off to Cairo we go. We land in Cairo at 5:15am, two days (with the time change) from now! We will orient ourselves to the city day 1 and day 2 were off to see the Giza pyramids!
Day 3 were are safaring out to the Whitesand Desert to see the blacksand desert, crystal mountains and overnighting under the stars in the middle of the desert - alone! We'll have a guide, don't fear.
Day 4 & 5 include a flight down to Aswan to visit the temples and a bus ride up to Luxor the next day for more temple time. Then it's a flight to Sharm-el-sheik where we will take another bus to Dahab, where we will enjoy a vacation from our vacation on the shores of the Red Sea. Here we will spend the next 7 days, lounging on the beach, skiing sand dunes other possible adventures. We will spend Christmas on the Red Sea! Christmas Eve/Christmas Day we are hiking St.Catherines http://www.desertecotours.com/showimg.asp?img=UploadImg/Pages/eilat_12.jpg
We will be spending New Years Eve in South Africa. We're spending a week in SA and will travel the Western portion of the country by car and southern coast line (visiting the southern most point in SA) along with the Winelands, Table Mountain and Robben Island. We also plan on louging on the beach and swimming with the penguins! I can't wait for that experience! After SA were off to Tanzania.
Our game drive is for a week through the Serengeti and Ngorongoro Crater. We'll have a private guide/tour and are staying in lodges scattered throughout the country and on the rim of the crater. We're also visiting a local tribe the Masia during our visit to Tanzania.
It's going to be a whirlwind of a trip. Brett and I will blog along the way, as many of our friends have asked :) Love you all!!!
Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
The anticipation leading up to today has been culminating since June of 2010, when Brett and I booked our R/T airfare to Cairo, Egypt! In some sense, we convinced ourselves that this flight was the "right" flight because it has a 9 hour layover in London. We are going to do some quick sightseeing in London and visit our friends who moved to London in 2007 immediately after they were married, Andrew and Katie. Andrew is Brett's "Buddy" (I put "Buddy in quotation marks because when Brett transfered from the NYC PwC office, Andrew was assigned to be his "buddy" in San Francisco) Needless to say, Brett and Andrew became close friends, and this will be our second time seeing A & K in London.
After our quick layover in London - it's off to Cairo we go. We land in Cairo at 5:15am, two days (with the time change) from now! We will orient ourselves to the city day 1 and day 2 were off to see the Giza pyramids!
Day 3 were are safaring out to the Whitesand Desert to see the blacksand desert, crystal mountains and overnighting under the stars in the middle of the desert - alone! We'll have a guide, don't fear.
Day 4 & 5 include a flight down to Aswan to visit the temples and a bus ride up to Luxor the next day for more temple time. Then it's a flight to Sharm-el-sheik where we will take another bus to Dahab, where we will enjoy a vacation from our vacation on the shores of the Red Sea. Here we will spend the next 7 days, lounging on the beach, skiing sand dunes other possible adventures. We will spend Christmas on the Red Sea! Christmas Eve/Christmas Day we are hiking St.Catherines http://www.desertecotours.com/showimg.asp?img=UploadImg/Pages/eilat_12.jpg
We will be spending New Years Eve in South Africa. We're spending a week in SA and will travel the Western portion of the country by car and southern coast line (visiting the southern most point in SA) along with the Winelands, Table Mountain and Robben Island. We also plan on louging on the beach and swimming with the penguins! I can't wait for that experience! After SA were off to Tanzania.
Our game drive is for a week through the Serengeti and Ngorongoro Crater. We'll have a private guide/tour and are staying in lodges scattered throughout the country and on the rim of the crater. We're also visiting a local tribe the Masia during our visit to Tanzania.
It's going to be a whirlwind of a trip. Brett and I will blog along the way, as many of our friends have asked :) Love you all!!!
Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
November 25, 2010
Thankfullingness
Especially today, we all talk about the things that we are thankful for, we all stuff ourselves full of turkey and stuffing. One thing we should remember today is to be thankful for ourselves.
Life can be incredible sometimes, and it can be incredibly trying at sometimes. Remembering to be thankful during the difficult times is espeically difficult compared to feeling thankful during the wonderful times.
I LOVE the Katy Perry song "Firework." She sums up being thankful for ourselves in daily life in her lyrics. If we aren't thankful for ourselves, then we won't be able to light up the sky for other people. We can go through trying times, but if we hold on to our true self and allow our pain to be felt, we can "ignite the light and let it shine." We can take our pain and loss and turn it into something productive. Pain is a horrible thing to feel, emotional and physical - neither being easier than the other. Pain, loss, depression has a horrible stimga in our culture. If we show our sadness, greif or pain we are deemed weak. Even our insecurities are looked upon as weaknessess. I'm purposing that if we feel our greif, loss and pain - face our insecurities - it brings out the "fireworks" in us. The deeper we go within ourselves, the brigher we can become.
"If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road"
Today I am thankful for my car accident. I'm thankful that it brough out the depths of my emotions and insecurities and I am thankful that for the past 7 years I have had to live with the loss of my voice. I am thankful for the trache scar on my neck, for it saved my life that day, and I am thankful that my life was spared so I could feel the greif of recovery and all the joy life affords, through the good and the bad. I am thankful for all the ingredients of life, the sweet and the sour, the bitter, hot and cold. For we can't stuff oursleves silly and enjoy all that stuffing and turkey with only some of the ingredients... you need all of them to realize the perfect flavor - whatever that flavor may be.
Happy Thankfullingness!
Life can be incredible sometimes, and it can be incredibly trying at sometimes. Remembering to be thankful during the difficult times is espeically difficult compared to feeling thankful during the wonderful times.
I LOVE the Katy Perry song "Firework." She sums up being thankful for ourselves in daily life in her lyrics. If we aren't thankful for ourselves, then we won't be able to light up the sky for other people. We can go through trying times, but if we hold on to our true self and allow our pain to be felt, we can "ignite the light and let it shine." We can take our pain and loss and turn it into something productive. Pain is a horrible thing to feel, emotional and physical - neither being easier than the other. Pain, loss, depression has a horrible stimga in our culture. If we show our sadness, greif or pain we are deemed weak. Even our insecurities are looked upon as weaknessess. I'm purposing that if we feel our greif, loss and pain - face our insecurities - it brings out the "fireworks" in us. The deeper we go within ourselves, the brigher we can become.
"If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road"
Today I am thankful for my car accident. I'm thankful that it brough out the depths of my emotions and insecurities and I am thankful that for the past 7 years I have had to live with the loss of my voice. I am thankful for the trache scar on my neck, for it saved my life that day, and I am thankful that my life was spared so I could feel the greif of recovery and all the joy life affords, through the good and the bad. I am thankful for all the ingredients of life, the sweet and the sour, the bitter, hot and cold. For we can't stuff oursleves silly and enjoy all that stuffing and turkey with only some of the ingredients... you need all of them to realize the perfect flavor - whatever that flavor may be.
Happy Thankfullingness!
November 18, 2010
Did you lose your voice?
After being asked that question 10 Million times over the past 7 years, I've come to appreciate my circumstance in a different light with in the realms of my new career, Nursing. I've also come to see my situation as a gift...
Since day one of my accident, I've always been asking my surgeon, when will I get my voice back... when in reality, I should be appreciating that I am alive and thriving.
I am currently researching for one of my classes a topic of interest, which is "Increased airway patentcy with exercise in post-traumatic laryngeal seperation," and I came accross this article http://www.utmb.edu/otoref/grnds/Laryng-Trauma-2003-0903/Laryng-trauma-2003-0902.htm. Essentially,after reading through this article, it made me realize how lucky I am to be alive from a medical standpoint and not a "this isn't fair that this happened to me" standpoint (not that I say that line very often).
I had a stage V (out of V, V being the worst possible injury) laryngeal seperation which usually, as this article states, results in immediate death. I shouldn't be here... is was I should be saying... and I should be happy to be alive - which I am. On top of not living, my quality of life should be poor. According to this article, I am Aphonic, without true vibration of the true vocal cords. This is the poorest outcome and is generally related to the stenting procedure I underwent immediatley after the trauma to save the diameter of my airway. The diameter of my airway was comprimised due to the blunt force trauma of the steering wheel/dashboard/or possible random curtain rod that was packed in my car.
It is true, it is amazing what the human body can endure. It is sad that I am aphonic. But I am alive, I can communicate and I can swim, bike and run! I'll be a Half Ironman come April 30th, and will be celebrating my Stage V repair mini-airway and aphonic "poor" quality voice with a smile on my heart. In losing my voice, I've gain the determination, insight and perspective on life that no surgery can interfere with.
We only LOSE things if we let people take them away from us. Everytime I run, I am choosing to celebrate my mini-airway and with determination I choose to see what I've gained through this process, not what I've lost. So to answere the question, "Did you lose your voice...?," ... you tell me, did you?
Since day one of my accident, I've always been asking my surgeon, when will I get my voice back... when in reality, I should be appreciating that I am alive and thriving.
I am currently researching for one of my classes a topic of interest, which is "Increased airway patentcy with exercise in post-traumatic laryngeal seperation," and I came accross this article http://www.utmb.edu/otoref/grnds/Laryng-Trauma-2003-0903/Laryng-trauma-2003-0902.htm. Essentially,after reading through this article, it made me realize how lucky I am to be alive from a medical standpoint and not a "this isn't fair that this happened to me" standpoint (not that I say that line very often).
I had a stage V (out of V, V being the worst possible injury) laryngeal seperation which usually, as this article states, results in immediate death. I shouldn't be here... is was I should be saying... and I should be happy to be alive - which I am. On top of not living, my quality of life should be poor. According to this article, I am Aphonic, without true vibration of the true vocal cords. This is the poorest outcome and is generally related to the stenting procedure I underwent immediatley after the trauma to save the diameter of my airway. The diameter of my airway was comprimised due to the blunt force trauma of the steering wheel/dashboard/or possible random curtain rod that was packed in my car.
It is true, it is amazing what the human body can endure. It is sad that I am aphonic. But I am alive, I can communicate and I can swim, bike and run! I'll be a Half Ironman come April 30th, and will be celebrating my Stage V repair mini-airway and aphonic "poor" quality voice with a smile on my heart. In losing my voice, I've gain the determination, insight and perspective on life that no surgery can interfere with.
We only LOSE things if we let people take them away from us. Everytime I run, I am choosing to celebrate my mini-airway and with determination I choose to see what I've gained through this process, not what I've lost. So to answere the question, "Did you lose your voice...?," ... you tell me, did you?
November 12, 2010
An Update on Life... Career and Travel
I'm back.
Okay, sorry for the hiatus. I've been insanely busy with school, the move and clinicals...life in general.
I'm finishing up my third semester and working on finding a position as a RN when I graduatein December 2011. My throat surgeon at UC Davis has asked me to come work with his team upon graduation, and after long and hard consideration, I have decided that this is something I would be interested in. It will be amazing working along side him and his team. I would work in the Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) Clinic. It's amazing to think that this will make things come full circle. Life is so amazing in that way. He has even discussed the possibility UC Davis funding my DNP/PhD after I graduate from USF and research along side his team. It is especially difficult to find a position as a RN right now and I have a position available one year before graduation with the oppurtunity to continue my education. I would have never in a million years imagined this would be my life. It's especially heart warming that he would want me to be apart of his team, considing I am aphonic (without true vocal cord vibration). I had such a difficult time believing in my own worth because of my voice for such a longtime. Becoming a nurse has been so healing in this way. I am so grateful!
When I was working as a CPA at PricewaterhouseCoopers I would imagine doing my clinical rotation at Children's Hospital in Oakland (CHO). I just found out that next semester I will be doing my clinical rotation for Pediatrics at CHO! I am so excited for this rotation!
In other news, I am having surgery in Janurary to give me more airway and inject my vocal cords. I have a different feeling about this surgery! I think it will really give me a ton more airway and more of a voice. I have 40% diameter of my airway right now... hopefully this will give me 80-100% and more voice! I am hopeful, please pray for me.
I've signed up for a 1/2 Ironman. It's April 30, 2011. I will need to get training into FULL swing when Brett and I return from Africa... we leave in 34 days! Brett will be doing this distance as well!
With school as crazy as it is, I will welcome a 6 week break with open arms. Brett and I will be in Africa for one month. We are leaving and heading to London to visit some friends for a day on December 16th. Then we are heading down to Cairo and will land on the 18th - staying in Egypt for 10 days - we will visit the pyramids, tour the city itself, Coptic Cairo, Khan-al-kali and sleep one night in the WhiteSand Desert under the Stars. Next we are flying down to Aswan after three days in Cairo/Desert. We'll stay in Aswan for two nights (to see temples) then bus up to Luxor (stay in Luxor for the day to see more temples) and then fly to Sharm-el-sheikh and take a bus to Dahab. We will be on the beach on the Red Sea for X-Mas in Dahab. Dahab is suppose to be like Ko Samui, where we visited in Thailand. After 7 days in Dahab, we will catch our flight down to South Africa (8 hours) and stay for 7 days. There we will swim with the penguines on the beach (too cute!), visit Table Mountain and enjoy wine country. We will ring in the New Year in South Africa...Brett's most excited about South Africa, so as far as plans, that parts up to Brett. After our 7 days in South Africa we fly up to Tanzania for our game drive/safari for 8 days. We'll see the Serengeti, Mt. Kiliminjaro and Ngorongo Crater. We're staying in Lodges in the middle of the game drives. After our game drive/safari we fly back to Cairo for an evening and then have a 24 hour flight home! We won't think about that part yet... We'll be home January 16th, 2011 and sleep for two days straight from pure exhaustion!
I feel truely blessed to have be married to the love of my life, travel the world with him and persue a career that my heart desires. What more could a girl ask for? (Maybe her voice back....??)...oh and babies ;)
Okay, sorry for the hiatus. I've been insanely busy with school, the move and clinicals...life in general.
I'm finishing up my third semester and working on finding a position as a RN when I graduatein December 2011. My throat surgeon at UC Davis has asked me to come work with his team upon graduation, and after long and hard consideration, I have decided that this is something I would be interested in. It will be amazing working along side him and his team. I would work in the Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) Clinic. It's amazing to think that this will make things come full circle. Life is so amazing in that way. He has even discussed the possibility UC Davis funding my DNP/PhD after I graduate from USF and research along side his team. It is especially difficult to find a position as a RN right now and I have a position available one year before graduation with the oppurtunity to continue my education. I would have never in a million years imagined this would be my life. It's especially heart warming that he would want me to be apart of his team, considing I am aphonic (without true vocal cord vibration). I had such a difficult time believing in my own worth because of my voice for such a longtime. Becoming a nurse has been so healing in this way. I am so grateful!
When I was working as a CPA at PricewaterhouseCoopers I would imagine doing my clinical rotation at Children's Hospital in Oakland (CHO). I just found out that next semester I will be doing my clinical rotation for Pediatrics at CHO! I am so excited for this rotation!
In other news, I am having surgery in Janurary to give me more airway and inject my vocal cords. I have a different feeling about this surgery! I think it will really give me a ton more airway and more of a voice. I have 40% diameter of my airway right now... hopefully this will give me 80-100% and more voice! I am hopeful, please pray for me.
I've signed up for a 1/2 Ironman. It's April 30, 2011. I will need to get training into FULL swing when Brett and I return from Africa... we leave in 34 days! Brett will be doing this distance as well!
With school as crazy as it is, I will welcome a 6 week break with open arms. Brett and I will be in Africa for one month. We are leaving and heading to London to visit some friends for a day on December 16th. Then we are heading down to Cairo and will land on the 18th - staying in Egypt for 10 days - we will visit the pyramids, tour the city itself, Coptic Cairo, Khan-al-kali and sleep one night in the WhiteSand Desert under the Stars. Next we are flying down to Aswan after three days in Cairo/Desert. We'll stay in Aswan for two nights (to see temples) then bus up to Luxor (stay in Luxor for the day to see more temples) and then fly to Sharm-el-sheikh and take a bus to Dahab. We will be on the beach on the Red Sea for X-Mas in Dahab. Dahab is suppose to be like Ko Samui, where we visited in Thailand. After 7 days in Dahab, we will catch our flight down to South Africa (8 hours) and stay for 7 days. There we will swim with the penguines on the beach (too cute!), visit Table Mountain and enjoy wine country. We will ring in the New Year in South Africa...Brett's most excited about South Africa, so as far as plans, that parts up to Brett. After our 7 days in South Africa we fly up to Tanzania for our game drive/safari for 8 days. We'll see the Serengeti, Mt. Kiliminjaro and Ngorongo Crater. We're staying in Lodges in the middle of the game drives. After our game drive/safari we fly back to Cairo for an evening and then have a 24 hour flight home! We won't think about that part yet... We'll be home January 16th, 2011 and sleep for two days straight from pure exhaustion!
I feel truely blessed to have be married to the love of my life, travel the world with him and persue a career that my heart desires. What more could a girl ask for? (Maybe her voice back....??)...oh and babies ;)
October 12, 2010
The Book ... The Training... and the Move... oh my!
...Not in that order. Brett and I are back in Walnut Creek in our home and loving it. End of story. Well, not quite - the backyard has yet to be finished and we are still working on creating the perfect office... but with that said, we are grateful to be back without anyone pouncing above our head, girls partying above us or boyfriend/girlfriend arguments where the night ends with a phone call to the police ... you know how that goes. My brain still jumps at the echo or noise by the rule of Pavlov's dog/drooling/bell premise - but I'm adjusting. Oh yeah... and there are no plans to fill the third bedroom with a guest room...
Training. Today officially started my training for Vineman Ironman 70.3 in Sonoma on July 17, 2011. I printed out a 20 week training program and although I may lose some momentume due to our 4 week stint in Africa - this will be the first time I have printed out a training regime and vowed to stick it out. Usually, I only train, if at all for one event and ride on a wing and prayer that I will finish. Out of fear or laziness, maybe both - but now I am not afraid and sick of being lazy and I want to see what my airway and body can do. I head up to see my surgeon on October 28th and I am excited to see what kind of airway capacity I am working with - has it stayed the same and I have just gotten stronger (I recently shed 15 minutes 7 seconds off my half marathon time) or has my airway expanded due to the increased volume and workload...we shall see! Regardless, watching Brett train for his Ironman, I can't help but admire and LOVE the lifestyle training affords.
The book. I am working on Chapter two, but as I brainstorm where I want this book to go, I may decide on negating the chapter idea and sectioning it off into sections (do you like that?). Maybe childhood (yikes), high school/college - working in some of my motivational speaking components, my career(s) and my training. We'll see. Any ideas...
I'm again speaking as a Keynote speaker at Oakley High on October 26 and 27! I love giving back to our community in that way. If I can change one individuals life - it's all worth it in the end.
Training. Today officially started my training for Vineman Ironman 70.3 in Sonoma on July 17, 2011. I printed out a 20 week training program and although I may lose some momentume due to our 4 week stint in Africa - this will be the first time I have printed out a training regime and vowed to stick it out. Usually, I only train, if at all for one event and ride on a wing and prayer that I will finish. Out of fear or laziness, maybe both - but now I am not afraid and sick of being lazy and I want to see what my airway and body can do. I head up to see my surgeon on October 28th and I am excited to see what kind of airway capacity I am working with - has it stayed the same and I have just gotten stronger (I recently shed 15 minutes 7 seconds off my half marathon time) or has my airway expanded due to the increased volume and workload...we shall see! Regardless, watching Brett train for his Ironman, I can't help but admire and LOVE the lifestyle training affords.
The book. I am working on Chapter two, but as I brainstorm where I want this book to go, I may decide on negating the chapter idea and sectioning it off into sections (do you like that?). Maybe childhood (yikes), high school/college - working in some of my motivational speaking components, my career(s) and my training. We'll see. Any ideas...
I'm again speaking as a Keynote speaker at Oakley High on October 26 and 27! I love giving back to our community in that way. If I can change one individuals life - it's all worth it in the end.
August 26, 2010
An excerpt from chapter 1 of my book ... Enjoy!!!
As I parked my car, my eyes and heart scanned the dusty parking lot for his car, to no avail. I seized this opportunity and fed my vanity. With a quick peek into my rearview mirror, a pinch of the cheeks and a dab of lip gloss, I hopped eagerly out of the car a headed inside. As I made my way amongst the loud clatter of video game machines, 60’s B-Bop music and maze of people, I felt a sense of maturity. Within the deep sea of tracker trailers, truckers and vacationing families coming up for air along the onerous and dreary stretch of I-5, here we were. Spawned from our yesteryears into young adults we were able to premeditate and execute a causal yet random encounter, keeping true to our ritual of periodic visits, regardless of location. Making my way through the TA Visitor center, the crowds gently parted making enough room for the memories that came flooding through as I spotted him peacefully sitting at a nearby table.
The combination of my recent trip down memory lane in the realm of my own existence driving from West Covina to here, alongside the sight of an old flame and dear friend made my heart fluttered. I immediately hedged the antics of the typical ex-girlfriend, star-crossed lover type and put on my laid back, too cool for school cool ex-girlfriend hat on and gave Brett the one-two confident kiss on the check with a slight jump hug. After our respective hellos, we ordered our food. My order included three beef tacos and a coke, but more importantly, I finished them. I wanted to ensure and impress upon the fact that I wasn’t one of those fit and skinny girls who fussed and rearranged their food to make it look half eaten. I took those tacos down and over our meal, I confirmed my exuberant and vivacious zest for life by divulging the details of my upcoming excursion abroad, how I would be going to Spain for 6 weeks to take business classes where only Spanish was spoken to elicit credits for my double major in Broadcast Journalism and Business with minor in Spanish. Going down the mental checklist, I’d checked the three of the four cool ex-girlfriend boxes. I was fun, I had an appetite for life and smart but I’d save the best for last. Next I’d confer upon him the details of my most recent, quasi long-term, yet relaxed relationship with Nick. Not only was I fun, vivacious and smart, but I was wanted, and apart from the fact that Brett did not get a word in edge wise, at least he was up to speed with the facts.
In reality, I may have held, or had the potential to inhabit the four quintessential “cool ex-girlfriend boxes” or qualities but one thing was not true. When I left Nick in Arizona, we had left things between us “open” because that was the only thing Nick could give me. Sure our relationship was “relaxed,” but that was Nick’s nature, commitment phobic, lacking any true capacity to show love or commit. However, Nick’s ability to put just enough effort in to perpetuate a mirage of a “relationship” was an art form, and had me clinging to any affirmation of affiliation. The affiliation of Nick and I was the illumination and echo of my self-doubt, induced by my personal insecurities and foolishness.
The combination of my recent trip down memory lane in the realm of my own existence driving from West Covina to here, alongside the sight of an old flame and dear friend made my heart fluttered. I immediately hedged the antics of the typical ex-girlfriend, star-crossed lover type and put on my laid back, too cool for school cool ex-girlfriend hat on and gave Brett the one-two confident kiss on the check with a slight jump hug. After our respective hellos, we ordered our food. My order included three beef tacos and a coke, but more importantly, I finished them. I wanted to ensure and impress upon the fact that I wasn’t one of those fit and skinny girls who fussed and rearranged their food to make it look half eaten. I took those tacos down and over our meal, I confirmed my exuberant and vivacious zest for life by divulging the details of my upcoming excursion abroad, how I would be going to Spain for 6 weeks to take business classes where only Spanish was spoken to elicit credits for my double major in Broadcast Journalism and Business with minor in Spanish. Going down the mental checklist, I’d checked the three of the four cool ex-girlfriend boxes. I was fun, I had an appetite for life and smart but I’d save the best for last. Next I’d confer upon him the details of my most recent, quasi long-term, yet relaxed relationship with Nick. Not only was I fun, vivacious and smart, but I was wanted, and apart from the fact that Brett did not get a word in edge wise, at least he was up to speed with the facts.
In reality, I may have held, or had the potential to inhabit the four quintessential “cool ex-girlfriend boxes” or qualities but one thing was not true. When I left Nick in Arizona, we had left things between us “open” because that was the only thing Nick could give me. Sure our relationship was “relaxed,” but that was Nick’s nature, commitment phobic, lacking any true capacity to show love or commit. However, Nick’s ability to put just enough effort in to perpetuate a mirage of a “relationship” was an art form, and had me clinging to any affirmation of affiliation. The affiliation of Nick and I was the illumination and echo of my self-doubt, induced by my personal insecurities and foolishness.
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