An excerpt from chapter 1 of my book ... Enjoy!!!

As I parked my car, my eyes and heart scanned the dusty parking lot for his car, to no avail. I seized this opportunity and fed my vanity. With a quick peek into my rearview mirror, a pinch of the cheeks and a dab of lip gloss, I hopped eagerly out of the car a headed inside. As I made my way amongst the loud clatter of video game machines, 60’s B-Bop music and maze of people, I felt a sense of maturity. Within the deep sea of tracker trailers, truckers and vacationing families coming up for air along the onerous and dreary stretch of I-5, here we were. Spawned from our yesteryears into young adults we were able to premeditate and execute a causal yet random encounter, keeping true to our ritual of periodic visits, regardless of location. Making my way through the TA Visitor center, the crowds gently parted making enough room for the memories that came flooding through as I spotted him peacefully sitting at a nearby table.

The combination of my recent trip down memory lane in the realm of my own existence driving from West Covina to here, alongside the sight of an old flame and dear friend made my heart fluttered. I immediately hedged the antics of the typical ex-girlfriend, star-crossed lover type and put on my laid back, too cool for school cool ex-girlfriend hat on and gave Brett the one-two confident kiss on the check with a slight jump hug. After our respective hellos, we ordered our food. My order included three beef tacos and a coke, but more importantly, I finished them. I wanted to ensure and impress upon the fact that I wasn’t one of those fit and skinny girls who fussed and rearranged their food to make it look half eaten. I took those tacos down and over our meal, I confirmed my exuberant and vivacious zest for life by divulging the details of my upcoming excursion abroad, how I would be going to Spain for 6 weeks to take business classes where only Spanish was spoken to elicit credits for my double major in Broadcast Journalism and Business with minor in Spanish. Going down the mental checklist, I’d checked the three of the four cool ex-girlfriend boxes. I was fun, I had an appetite for life and smart but I’d save the best for last. Next I’d confer upon him the details of my most recent, quasi long-term, yet relaxed relationship with Nick. Not only was I fun, vivacious and smart, but I was wanted, and apart from the fact that Brett did not get a word in edge wise, at least he was up to speed with the facts.

In reality, I may have held, or had the potential to inhabit the four quintessential “cool ex-girlfriend boxes” or qualities but one thing was not true. When I left Nick in Arizona, we had left things between us “open” because that was the only thing Nick could give me. Sure our relationship was “relaxed,” but that was Nick’s nature, commitment phobic, lacking any true capacity to show love or commit. However, Nick’s ability to put just enough effort in to perpetuate a mirage of a “relationship” was an art form, and had me clinging to any affirmation of affiliation. The affiliation of Nick and I was the illumination and echo of my self-doubt, induced by my personal insecurities and foolishness.