1 Day Post-Op

"Patient is an extremely pleasant 28 year old female status post MVA in May of 2003..."

Yesterday, as I was being pre-op'd for my procedure, in which my surgeon planned to increase the diameter of my airway and place a steriod injection in my left vocal fold - I read through volume 3 of 3 of my medical file. Every patient history page started off with the quote from above - which is a reflection of 1 of 2 things... the truth or pure laziness. As I sifted through the hundreds of pages - now knowing where to look and what to look for due to my clincal experience through nursing school - I found something incredible.

As we go through life, it is SO easy to forget the amazing barriers we've traversed our ways around. It's SO easy to simply forget all that we have been through and what we have overcome. We tend to focus on the future, where we are going, what we are doing with our lives, what we need and want for ourselves and so fourth that it is so easy to forget where we have been, what we have been through, and most importantly, what we have overcome.

As I read back through my charts dating back to Decemeber 2003, I read things like "Pt eagar to have trache removed..." May of 2004... "Pt complaining of SOB at rest and inability to excercise." As I read through numerous other accounts over the years of my surgeon perception of my circumstance, it was clear as day to see the progress I have made to the present day. SOB at rest is NOW non-exsistence (well, a little right now between my excitement over life and the edema/swelling in my throat from the procedure). And exercise intolerance? I'm swimming, biking and running miles at a time!!! All this happened while I was busy trying to "get my voice back."

Sure, when I look at today, and where I would like to be - singing, laughing out loud - yelling... it makes me well up inside with the loss I have suffered, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I also well up inside with happy tears thinking about how far I've come, how much I've endured - and how I would do it all over again and not change a thing about myself or my life.

I think we as humans forget to think about where we've come from, what we've endured and we forget to give ourselves pats on the back for the accomplishments that we have achieved and the heartache and loss we have endured that we indirectly cause a greater disservice to ourselves. We fail to reflect on who we have become.

We all know that our experiences not only shape the way our brains think and the way we operate. However, we overlook the importance of self-reflection which make our experiences null. If we do not celebrate who we are and what we have achieved and what our hardships have pulled out from deep within us it makes the process incomplete.

One of the greatest challenges in life is giving ourselves enough credit that we deserve and basking in the glory that is our own existence the good and the bad.

As I woke in the recovery room, I met with the head nurse of the Ear Nose and Throat Clinic at UC Davis. My surgeon put me in contact with her to discuss the opportunity of joining their team upon graduation. I immediatley recognized her from my initial stay at UC Davis and rehabilitiation process. She immediatley recognized me as well saying... "You were so independent and stubborn." I didn't know if she was talking about the time I demanded to have my trache taken out - only to have it placed back in 2 1/2 weeks later aftering waking up at 3am not being able to breath calling 911. Or the fact that I would use the red cap to plug my trache, run until I couldn't breathe and then unplug the trache to enough air into my lungs. Or the time the doctors took my feeding tube out and I could finally eat a real meal. The Doctors instructed me to start off with soft foods such as puddings, yogurt and apple sauce and continue on a liquid diet with protein shakes as a base. Once we left the hospital that day a trip In-N-Out Burger was in order.

Maybe a more honest history of present illness should read "Patient is an extremely pleasant 28 year old female status post MVA in May of 2003...who is bound to get her voice back due to her independent and stubborn nature." But for now, I will focus on what I know. I've come a long way and I have a long way to go.