Balls

If you had known the symptoms of my first patient this day, swollen huevos (The English translation for huevos is eggs. However, the Spanish word is also used in slang for courage, and vulgar for testicles) and the events that would unfold in hours to come, together we would have seen the foreshadowing that is my life.

Ahhhhh (deep breath in)... the many things I could call this post. But what will I call it...

"It's not a disability, it's my life?" - Too cynical.

"It's not personal, it's who I am." - Maybe

"Doctor knows best." - False

"I'm sorry you're an insensitive a*hole with no heart and a questionable soul who needs a dictionary to look up the word 'personal.'" - Too long, but getting there.

On my 4th day of clinicals at my community health rotation (second time in this part of the clinic) I come into contact with my first egotistical (there are many other words to describe this man, this was the nicest one I could find) Doctor.

As I was walking by a patients room, a patient with vocal cord issues, the patient stopped me. He must have heard me talking in the hall (oh the irony) as he was being vitalized (a term many MA's use to say a patients vitals are being taken). When I walked past this patients room, he called out to me and asked me if I had laryngitis. I briefly explained in my nicest tone that no, I in fact do not have laryngitis, but a paralyzed vocal cord from an accident years ago. This is the STANDARD response I give to the 10 strangers a day who ask me if I am sick, have laryngitis or lost my voice etc. The patient went on to tell me how he lost his voice... this was a two second conversation and as I was about to leave one of the MA's walked by me and said "Dr. So and So is coming....." as to tell me to leave because this Doctor is a jerk and doesn't like it when people talk with his patients. So I left.

Call it 15 minutes later, standing in the nursing station with 3 other MA's the Doctor approaches me and begins to yell at me for talking to his patient about my "personal information." Truth be told, I was so totally confused about this "personal information" I had divulged about myself, that I had no clue what he was talking about. I asked him to clarify what "personal information" I had shared and to whom. He began to explain that his patient (with no voice) had been upset by what I told him, and that I should not be telling patients my "personal information."

Alright, alright. I could seriously overreact here, so I am not going to. What did I do next, in real life... or in my head? In real life, after I heard the word "personal information" spit in my face for the umteenth time, now I was upset. I told the kind Doctor that I didn't share personal information, explained after the patient engaged me and asked me a perfectly legitimate question "Do you have laryngitis?" I replied, no (as to inform that patient I wasn't contagious) I have a paralyzed vocal cord (see not contagious) I was in a accident (how) a long time ago(when, as to help solidify that it's just how I talk). Is this personal?

After I explained this to the kind Doctor, he proceeded to yell at me. I didn't take it. I explained to him, I am sorry your patient became upset, but now you are upsetting me and you are offending me. This isn't personal, this is who I am. It's a well known fact that my voice is soft, not some intimate detail of the coming of my life. Shortly, he walked away, but not before saying "We'll discuss this later."

The support I received from the staff and my preceptor was amazing. I was so confused... did I do something wrong? Consensus was no. This Doctor is just known for being a jerk (wonderful) and the lesson learned is this won't be the last time I come across a rude doctor (oh goody) and have to stand up for myself (bring it on).

Honestly, that day left me drained, and questioning why I left what now seems like the saint's of PwC. A lot of my friends at school were fearing run in's like this, but not me. I guess the reason I wasn't fearing them, was because I knew that I would have the courage to stand up to a Doctor who would try to tell me what to say to a patient regarding my soft voice, or anything else for that matter. I've been through too much to come this far to have someone I don't even know, Doctor, Partner, Tax Manager tell me how to be me.

After the Doctor left the nursing station I turned around and all the MA's were looking at me and one turned to me and said, "You've got balls." It's not balls, it's self respect. I've been through too much too come this far and have someone yell at me in front of others for something so petty and nonfactual. I feel sorry for this Doctor, that somewhere along the line, his ego is so bruised that he had to target an insignificant nursing student. Really, who does that? Apparently, lots of Doctors. But it's not about having balls, because those, I don't have, I am a proud owner of a pair of ovaries but I guess they are in a round shape? To be honest, I was afraid, but the fear inside me wasn't enough not to stand up for myself. Because of my actions, it was in this moment, I had a voice ... a really loud one.

Every Day is a Miracle

Remember that giant hill I was talking about a few blogs ago... the one Brett and I were moving to the top of? Well, today after a tiring day at the hospital/clinical rotation, I decided the best thing I could do to decompress was a run/swim. So I slapped on the headphones and ipod and ran to the YMCA Presido and swam for 30 minutes and then ran home. They weren't kidding when they said San Francisco is the hilliest of cities. These hills are a symbols of the many emotions I have during one day at the hospital. Some patients are a jog downhill, and other patients really make you question and climb uphill, questioning your my own values, beliefs and insecurities.

I had an uneventful day in my Maternity rotation today (wasn't able to be apart of labor or be assigned to a patient) which is never what one wants, but being in this environment makes you think. It makes you think about why you are who you are, how you got here, where you've been and where you'd like to go, or where you are going. It also makes you realized aside from tangent thoughts one thing is a fact. Birth is a true miracle! When you start with a miracle, every single day after that miracle is a miracle just by default.

We're here because of the miracle of life. The miracle is that two people made love and YOU now exist because of that. I have the privilege of witnessing this every Monday at clinicals, and whether or not I actually get to be apart of the birthing and labor process, tears still well up in my eyes every time I see a Mom hold her baby for the first time, or see the excitement of a new grandparent or the love of a new Dad. It makes me realize how special I am and how loved I am, and how much love my parents have for each other, and how much love I have for my Husband and for our future children. Life is such a miracle, it's incomprehensible. Whether you are Jewish, Christian or Muslim, we all got here the EXACT same way, we are all love.

Today was overwhelming, even though it was uneventful. Aside for the newborn assessment and bath that I was able to actually provide for the newborn, nothing other than the pure fact of life/birth had me in awe. Going for a run and swim my a necessary decompression and helps me to figure out where my place is in this crazy world. it helps me sort through the million and one feelings I had today. It helps me realize how my daily experiences help challenge me and transform me into a better person, and the running and swimming ain't to bad for the bod either ;)